Germ Warfare
by buddieswithbilis
Summary: Owen is convinced that there is no known cure for the common cold. Ianto, however, has other ideas.


Germ Warfare

.

.

"Ianto …. don't sniff so, eh? There's a love."

The fact that she was finally coming to the end of her tether apparent for all to hear, Gwen smiled as sympathetically as she could in Ianto's direction then went back to the filling in of a three week old report that Jack had been badgering her to finish all morning.

Above a pair of slightly pink and watering eyes, a set of brows knitted so tightly together, it was lucky for their owner that the wind hadn't chosen that very moment to change direction. Then in a move highly reminiscent of a scene from The Exorcist, with a quarter turn, a head was twisted painfully slowly to stare with a growing look of contempt and the contents of a runny nose were sniffed upward … very loudly.

Vial containing the appropriate blood sample in hand, Owen appeared on the scene and tutted before wandering over to his terminal.

"Is he still at it?" he snarked tapping in the details printed on the strip of paper around the tube. "It's bloody ridiculous," he mumbled as his eyes scanned the information already beginning to flash up on his screen. "How so much snot can come from such a small nose is beyond me. And I'm a bloody doctor!" he exclaimed with a quick look up at his colleagues before returning to his task.

As another loud sniff occurred right next to where she was sitting, Gwen covered her ears with her hands as a hint.

Ianto retrieved her mug, offered her a wide, tight-lipped smile, sniffed, and then made his escape.

With Owen grinning at her, Gwen forced out a frustrated growl and fell back in her seat. "Owen, you've got to do something," she pleaded. "Seriously, if he keeps this up I'm gonna have to shoot the bugger.

A very dainty snort floated over from Toshiko's workstation. "Oh, come on, you two," she laughed. "Don't be so horrible to him. Ianto can't help it, he's really suffering, the poor thing."

"And I'm not?" wondered Gwen, sending her a wide eyed look.

"Oh, I know what it is," decided Owen, his tone suggesting that his diagnosis had nothing to do with his abilities as a doctor. "He's caught bird flu off of that bloody creature up there." he laughed looking upward.

"Myfadweee id nod a bud, Ohn, she's a mammawl." Was muffled from somewhere behind the coffee machine. This was followed by a cough, and then a splutter.

"Jesus, Ianto, toughen up a bit, mate."

Owen peered round the side of his terminal, shaking his head in the archivist's direction. "You catch sodding aliens for a living, but have a little virus pay you a visit and you fall to pieces. This is no way for a man to behave just because he's got a cold." He concluded.

"You haven't seen my Rhys with man-flu." mumbled Gwen to herself.

"Yorda dogda," Ianto reminded Owen, already on his way back with a tray. "Gib me subdin doo dop it."

A loud sigh sounded over from the medic's direction. "I've already told you, Ianto, there is no cure for the common cold. You're just gonna have to tough it out, mate."

With a sniff, and then one more, purely for Gwen's benefit, Ianto stood there managing to look even more miserable than ever. "Well ib I wade ub dead in da mordit, idder be door bolt!"

A small squeak of amusement sounded out from a certain technician, but head down she continued to stay out of it.

Up the other end at his own terminal, Owen was standing there opened mouthed, completely incredulous. "Ianto ….. if you've actually woken up … how the hell can you be dead?"

"Diddid Tordwud." came the obvious reply, then the Welshman gasped a few times and sneezed over the entire contents of his tray.

Flinching in her seat, Gwen 'ewwwed'.

"Sobby." Offered the stricken tea-boy before thinking to turn back and go rectify the situation.

"IANTO!"

Hearing his name, the ill one amongst them froze on the spot, and as his three colleagues looked over to see Jack standing outside his office; his Billy-big-bollocks pose already in place, Ianto surreptitiously began to study his boss' reflection in one of the blank screens next to him.

"Yeb, durr?" he said as politely as he could without having to turn around.

"Go ….. Home!"

"I'd wahhber day hee, ibbu dohhn mine, durr."

"Actually, Ianto, I do mind." Jack told him curtly. "So just do as I say and Go … Home!"

Despite the fact that he knew Jack couldn't see him, Ianto adopted his most pained and hard-done by expression, and catching Toshiko looking up through her eyelashes at him he sent her a quick wink.

"I dohhn lide been od by ohhn when I beel lide diss, durr."

Noticing Gwen trying her best to supress a laugh, he held her stare until she'd recovered.

"Well, you can't stay here!" Jack was already yelling at him, "You're about as useful as a chocolate radiator! Plus all you're doing is passing on whatever it is you've got, to the rest of us!"

"Doesn't exactly apply to you though, does it Jack?" Gwen pointed out, earning herself one of those shielded from view, winks from Ianto.

"Well, no …. I guess not." admitted Jack. "Which I guess, means there's only one solution. I'm just gonna have to take Ianto home and keep him company until he feels better." He decided, already walking back into his office to grab his coat.

"You three'll be okay for a coupla days won't ya?" was yelled out in muffled form from the depths of a bunk.

"'Course, Jack!" yelled Gwen, silently tapping the tips of her fingers together in a round of applause for her fellow countryman.

"Dohhn wubby," he smiled at her, "I'll mate yawl a fresh dwink for I doh."

Reaching out to stop his progress, Toshiko held him back by one arm. "That's okay, Ianto. Don't worry," she told him quietly. "I'll nip out to Starbuck's and get us a drink when you've gone. You just go get your coat and then get yourself home."

"Banks Dosh." he nodded gratefully before turning to leave.

"Ianto," interrupted Owen in an unusually calm manner then just as politely he waited for the ailing archivist to turn back.

As Ianto spun on his heels, the medic looked over to him, slowly shaking his head in disbelief. "You know what you are?" he asked, sounding just ever so slightly amazed and starting to laugh despite his attempts not to. "You, my friend, are one crafty git."

Ianto stood there quietly, thought for a moment, took the observation on board, nodded in agreement, and then grinned … and sneezed.

.

.

.

.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

.

.

.

Thanks for reading … bwb.


End file.
